Death is Good for Social Security

It's a good thing people die, or our Social Security system would be broke. Luckily they all do die, although unfortunately more and more of them are living longer. Used to be they'd retire at 62, sit around reading the paper for a year or two and then die, leaving lots of dollars in the system. Now, they think they have a right to live into their 80s, play golf, go fishing, start a small business or worse yet, go back to work and get a paycheck as well as their Social Security check.

Then there's those who are almost dead, but refuse to go. The numbers of people collecting Social Security Disability are growing almost as fast as those getting prescriptions for medical marijuana.

And then the government makes it worse, by requiring pictures of smokers on cigarette packs -- faces caved in, all wrinkley and saggy, holes in their necks, etc. So if they keep on discouraging smoking, people are just going to live longer, making the financial situation even worse. This anti-smoking deal really has backfired in my opinion. When I was a kid, all the adults and most of the kids smoked, and every year a few would start coughing up nasty stuff into a handkerchief and then they'd disappear with a little notice in the paper.

And then the government, in its infinite wisdom, starts going after fat people. We used to make fun of them in school, but that wasn't to make them lose weight, it was to make them feel bad, which is a whole different thing entirely. So now restaurants have to say how many calories each menu item has, so the eater can eat less, lose weight, feel better, start exercising -- you see where this is going -- and add years to their lives and suck millions more dollars out of the Social Security fund.

It seems to me that the government is fighting itself on this one. Keep people safe on one hand, and worry about Social Security going broke on the other. Clean air, clean water, no pesticides, no smoking, seat belts, air bags, helmets, drivers have to be sober and be old enough to see over the dashboard to drive, etc.

So my idea to solve this problem is upside down insurance. The longer you live, the more you have to pay the government. Pretty soon you got no money and you're eating Chinese dog food with melamine in it, kidneys give out, problem solved. Or you could allow electric wheelchairs onto the interstates.